Thursday, August 28, 2008

can i go home now?

I woke up feeling chipper again today. I looked at the clock and saw that it was NINE. In the morning! I know to a normal person that might sound average -- late even -- but I'm a double digits kinda girl when it comes to waking up on my own terms. I take ADD medicine not to stay focused, but to stay awake. Plus, there are too many hours in the day when waking at nine, especially when one has so little to do. I tried going back to sleep to pass the time, failed, then settled on my surefire time-wasting combo smash of blog reading, passionate political emailing and carb noshing.

I decided to explore the Southwest side of Portland (which is the most typical-city-like part) but that plan kind of crashed and burned after an hour or so. Once again, my nerves/stomach/whatever got to me and told me to GET THE HELL BACK INSIDE. I first started feeling anxious after going into some expensive, desolate boutiques. I know many people like the one-on-one service (right?), but it makes me feel pressured and antsy. One place had the loveliest selection of Mayle -- MAYLE! The lable I've been lusting after! In person! -- but Jane Mayle apparently hates my body type because I look ridiculous in her clothes. Still, I almost talked myself into buying a $300 dress that looked wretched "just to be polite". TO BE POLITE, for fuck's sake. Talk about the negative effects of people pleasing: I'm a girl without a job here. I had to convince myself that I would most likely never see this very nice woman again and she probably wouldn't be too heartbroken if I decided not to purchase anything. Or, that she would hate me, assume I had no intention of buying anything in the first place and was simply wasting her time, but it'd still be okay because at least I'm leaving the state soon.

That little debacle left me needing some respite, so I did what any good American does: I found a mall and proceeded to eat Chinese food in the food court. Here I am in one of the best cities for foods of all kinds (including Chinese) and what do I do? Try something new? Support the local small businesses? Of course not! No, I find the most commercial vendor and order the most Americanized thing possible. But how can you argue with $5 General Tso's?

I had to laugh at how ironic the situation was. Here I am, a girl reading a book on the evils of suburban sprawl, willfully surrounding myself with Claire's, an Apple store and a McDonalds. I didn't want to go into a delightfully eccentric cafe for fear of sticking out like a sore thumb, I just wanted to disappear. And the sad part is, the homogeneity of these stores -- the mall itself -- made me feel instantly at ease. It's no wonder: I've been going to malls since I was a baby and they all look nearly identical. They're a constant in an uncertain world. Let us at least take solace in the fact that whatever happens and wherever we go, the mall will always be a mainstay with its brightly lit, ghostly white, fakely lush form. Especially at Christmas-time!

After I ate my Chinese food (and not even that much of it), I started feeling not-so-surprisingly sick again. I tried to do a bit of thrifting but all I could focus on was my stomach. (That, feeling sweaty, and the pointlessness of me being here.) I even went to Powell's Books, the biggest independent bookstore EVER and a Portland institution you could spend a whole day in. (It spans an entire city block.) Still sick. I decided to sit on the floor and surround myself with photography books. No relief. I tried escapism through fashion magazines. Nope.

I went back to my friend's apartment, and that's where I've been. Here I am, so small, in my temporary "home", internet-ing and blogging and listening to music and feeling a bit better. I'm a notorious hypochondriac. It's most certainly nothing. I have a ridiculously low tolerance for pain. But my stomach hurts, I feel weak and dizzy, and I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore. I like Portland a lot, but like I said, I'm not ready to move out here. Part of me feels like a failure, but the other says that I've found my answer and I'm reacting rationally. Because the only thing here for me to do is shop, and I need to be saving my money anyway. So...can I leave now? I learned my lesson, guys! May I be excused?

I need to leave the house again to get food. I don't want to move. Literally and figuratively. I'm just not ready. I'm listening to the Lost in Translation soundtrack and, yeah, it's probably not making me feel any better, but I like wallowing in the collective loneliness of the movie. Bob and Charlotte had no idea what the fuck they were doing and didn't think anyone else could appreciate just how stranded they felt. That's pretty much how I feel.

Tommib - Squarepusher (from the Lost in Translation OST)

{photos mine. // wearing: aa tank, f21 skirt, rachel comey belt, alex & chloe necklaces, vintage granny boots.}

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